America's Best Bars

Because its my birthday and I can write about anything I want on my birthday, and I am running out of things to report, and because I read somewhere that blogs are supposed to be a compendium of the author's random thoughts and such, here is my list of the Top 26 Bars in the US. I've traveled and had a drink in nearly all the States, but this is it. Lots of great bars in the rest of the country, but sooner or later the same bartenders with no personality, pool table and darts all run together. Yes, I'm aware I didn't choose any south of Pensacola. Key West has some interesting places, but none I'd write home about - I'd rather be at the beach. New England, are you kidding? I gave you Cheers.

So below are the very best bars in the US, from my point of view. You will notice the list weighted toward CA and coastal areas. That's because that's where the best bars are. Here we go, from West to East. Go ahead, yell at me now.

Jeff's Pirates Cove, Guam http://www.jeffspiratescove.com/
Founded after WWII, it's a tropical hideaway surrounded on three sides by jungle and one side by the Western Pacific. It's Chamorro style BBQ Chicken Kelaguen and rice washed down with an ice-cold Bud Light is hard to top. The last Japanese WWII soldier captured (in 1972) is said to have snuck out of the jungle from time to time for a drink.


Dukes Waikiki, HI http://www.dukeswaikiki.com/
Toast Duke Kahanamoku while listening to the beach side Hawaiian band and awaiting your maitai catamaran cruise. Grub is fine, but you're there for the culture. Afterward, head to the Royal Hawaiian Hotel's beach bar for old school mai tais and pupus. Have t-shirt.

The Crash Inn, Crestline, CA
The Man must have won and closed this place down. But 3/4 the people in this 909 mountaintop dank, rotten and dirty underwear-clad dive were likely to have been under the control of the CA penal system. Lots of CCR on the juke and cheap beer.

Celebrities, San Bernardino, CA
This bar doesn't rate this list, but gets an "Honorable Mention" because it best epitomizes IE culture. Karen is still quick with the 1800, buckets of beer, and burgers. Best place to watch people you went to high school with in the 80's try to pick up on 18 year old's with fake IDs.

Rainbow Bar & Grill, West Hollywood, CA http://www.rainbowbarandgrill.com/
Best place to relive the heyday of Led Zeppelin and Motley Crue or to stop for a cold beer taking the Sunset route home with stops at Gladstones and the Polo Lounge. After hours, head to the upstairs bar where David Bowie got his ass kicked by a gay karate man. Not bad Italian food either. My main stop on the Strip since seeing a pre-breakout GNR at Gazzari's back in the day. Have t-shirt.

Cutthroat Saloon, Markleeville, CA www.jour.unr.edu/outpost/destinations/archives/des.pines.395e.html
Bikers, cowboys, creaky floors, and thousands of bras pinned to the ceiling - traded for free beer. Best pit stop as you cross the top of the Sierra from Tahoe into Nevada. The burgers would be just average somewhere else, but the fine atmosphere adds the right spice. Sadly, I hear some doo-gooders have tried to clean it up lately.

Al the Wops, Locke, CA www.locketown.com/als.htm
Built about a century ago in this Chinese town hidden among the Sacramento River levees. The town is as old, and has not been updated in any way since. If you have been there as of this posting, I owe you a beer. Dollar bills coat the walls and you can get a really greasy double home-made burger that looks like a brick on a home-made hogie roll.

National Hotel, Jackson, CA
Built during the Gold Rush, this was the last legally operating brothel in California. Very old west style. Enter through the wooden swing doors and a floozy saloon girl wearing a dirty velvet dress and a feather in her hair is banging out 49er folk songs on the out-of-tune piano. she is not acting. Creaky wood floors, gas lamps and original hand carved bar top it off to make the beer taste just right.

Waterloo Club, Waterloo, CA http://www.thewaterloo.com/
Family-owned Italian restaurant and bar in the Western Sierra foothills. Awesome home made food, especially the ribs and pesto pasta. Best place to celebrate or drown your sorrows after 8:00 pm the first Tuesday in November.

Kennedy Meadows Packstation, East of Sonora, CA http://www.kennedymeadows.com/
Real cowboy bar at pack station atop the Sierras. Best place to collapse with a beer or ten after riding out of the back country. You usually get a couple San Francisco girls who sneak up to booze with guys that don't wear more makeup than they do, but its mainly packers and visiting outdoorsmen. The cafe serves breakfast up hot, greasy and fast to ward off your headache from two-stepping more than you ought to the night before. Helpful hint: don't show up wearing anything but Levis 501s or Wranglers. This is my secret getaway, so don't tell anyone.

Lefty O'Doul's, San Francisco, CA
This Union Square yesteryear baseball-themed pub is a bit touristy, but is the best place to belly up to the bar while your wife spends the day shopping. It feels best at Christmastime - that way you can drink Irish coffees all day. AWESOME steak buffet with several carving stations. Has the most unbelievably perfect smell of hot mac & cheese (the kind with a dark orange cheddar crust baked on top), juicy roast beef and smoked ham. Even better, when the wife comes to get you, she's exhausted and wants to have a drink, which gives you an excuse to stay for a couple more.

Scomas, San Francisco, CA
Among the several more historic Fisherman's Wharf hangouts, Scomas has a no-frills view of the back of the pier, but the decor, service and food are 1st class, old school and extremely comfortable. I was there for the first time when I was about two and like to drop in for a Pinot Grigio whenever I can. Get the dungeness crab or the cioppino.

Double L Bar, Lone Pine, CA
If your'e heading up the 395 to disappear into the Eastern Sierras, you need a place to cool off and get out of the blistering sun. In the middle of the day, its dark, dingy, damp, quiet and empty, and you kind of like it that way after a few hours on the hot road. If there is anyone else in the bar, it's probably a middle-aged female meth addict dancing to AC/DC's Back in Black while shooting darts. Cheap, cold beer, and the bartender has enough conversation in him to last about half an hour before he gets oddly silent and you get back on the road. You might get beat up if you're there after dark and you mention being from LA or the East coast. Have t-shirt.

Canyon Breeze, Sedona, AZ http://www.canyon-breeze.com/
A couple hours north of Phoenix, this place has one of the best views ever, with a 270 degree view from their sprawling wooden deck of the massive red rock formations. Mexican food isn't bad either.

Rum Boogie, Memphis, TN http://www.rumboogie.com/
Use this as your Memphis in May base of operations. Legendary live blues club at the doorstep of Beale Street. Ribs, catfish, red beans & rice. This place makes you happy, stuffed and buzzed - and you can carry your drink down the street if another band grabs hold of your ADD.

Pat O'Briens, New Orleans, LA http://www.patobriens.com/
Massive Hurricanes, in a glass and otherwise. Historic French Quarter staple. Saloon lady playing a piano and taking requests. Last time there, a crowd rushed a girl out to the street so she could puke red stuff all over herself sitting in the gutter while mounted police watched and laughed. Endurance and experience necessary here. Professionals only.

McGuire's Pub, Pensacola, FL http://www.mcguiresirishpub.com/
If you're not a Navy pilot, you won't begin to get attention here. Autographed dollar bills cover the wooden walls, the steaks are big and hot, and if you climb up and kiss the moose's nose something special is supposed to happen to you, but I think its just a way of making Ensigns look stupid for the camera.

Duck Inn, Virginia Beach, VA www.vbeach.com/duck-in
Serving cold beer, fish and hot hush puppies since 1952, this great memory sadly closed in 2005 after being sold for condos. Its gazebo over the water was the best place to sit by yourself with a cold one and watch the sailboats go by, or bring a group of military friends for a sunset wetting-down on the water. Noteworthy for their Friday night beach parties that attracted hundreds. Have t-shirt.

Hot Tuna, Virginia Beach, VA http://www.hottunavb.com/
One of the best seafood menus in the region, this place has a top-notch, yet unpretentious and engaging wait staff. Buy a beer in an official glass for $5.00 and you get every other beer for $2.00 - and keep the glass of the same deal later. I have about 6 glasses because I keep forgetting mine at home.

The Willard, Washington, DC http://washington.intercontinental.com/
One of several top-notch bars in DC, but my favorite. Regal, historic and classy, with expert bartenders. Established in 1850, Lincoln spent his Inaugural evening on this site. Best place to take in the decorations with a hot toddy after seeing the White House Christmas Tree - or any other time you want to take a break from the rat race and get a drink served to you in true Washingtonian style.

Shelly's Back Room, Washington DC http://www.shellysdc.com/
One of the only cigar-friendly places left in America. Comfortable seats, private cigar lockers and great scotch.

Red Eyes Dock Bar, Kent Narrows, MD http://www.redeyedockbar.com/
Multi-level outdoor bar with live bands, hard-core BBQ ops, boats, live bands, Harleys and Hawaiian Tropic bikini contests. 'Nuff said. My brother has the t-shirt.

Rusty Rudder, Dewey Beach, DE www.deweybeachlife.com/nl_rr.html
After a day in the sun munching on Thrashers fries, get there around 4:00 to stake out a prime location on the huge wooden waterside deck to catch the Reggae band and laugh at drunk people that have been drinking in the sun alot longer than you. They used to give out free coozies with each cold beer, but sadly, no more.

Leo's Grandevous, Hoboken, NJ http://www.leosgrandevous.com/
For those of you - or all of you - that are of the opinion that NJ is simply the place where Vegas gets their strippers and meth addicts, New York stashes their trash, and where nuclear waste is loved and nurtured - stop in Leo's before you hit the Lincoln Tunnel. When you get out of your car, the smell of fresh-baked bread, produce and neighborhood delis grabs hold of you and won't let go. Leo's is on a corner a couple blocks from Franks Sinatra's boyhood home. He used to drink there as a teenager. The juke box plays all his songs and they have his bar stool preserved. Italian locals have family fights in plain view. Waitresses have been their since childhood and yell alot. Mozarella and tomatoes, pasta, sausage, and veal are all without fault.

Bull and Bear, Waldorf Astoria, New York City www.bullandbearsteakhouse.com/index2.htm
Among the very finest and may be my favorite. Adel has been behind the bar for more than 35 years since coming over from Egypt and he knows everything about the City, its food and its drinks. He can hold a conversation about any subject under the sun and you loose track of time in this mahogany-walled sanctuary. Drink a smooth scotch or a nice cabernet and order up a rib eye. Special mention goes to the Plaza's Oak Bar, but the hotel is closed for yet-to-be-evaluated-by-me renovations. I just want them to rehire Salvatore, the security manager who told me "I hate any witnesses," when I told him about the "Jehovah's Witnesses for Peace" I ran across in the Park one day.

Arthur's Tavern, Greenwich Village, New York City http://www.arthurstavernnyc.com/
Hard to pick one great neighborhood joint amongst a million, but this is my favorite - at least until I find one better. Neighborhood live jazz. Its the most festive pub I've ever been, with decorations for every possible holiday you can imagine plastered all over its walls. Surprisingly friendly bartenders. A solid, good time.

Cheers, Boston, MA http://www.cheersboston.com/
It's Cheers, for God's sake.